What I Really Meant to Say
by DotNetDemon
Summary: A private letter from Terra to Beast Boy that never got delivered. Based on the song Cold by Crossfade.


What I Really Meant to Say…

By ATH / Roy D. Mercer

A one-shot letter from Terra's POV… look, it works for her the best, okay? For maximum effect, load up _Cold_ (everybody and their brother loves to use that title) from Crossfade on their self-titled disc (that's where the lyrics came from).

Dear Beast Boy:

_Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right… I never stopped to think of you…_

If you're reading this letter, then I'm probably no longer alive. Knowing my luck, either Slade has already killed me, or you or the rest of the team saved him the trouble.

_I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win…_

Huh, it's funny… I knew the buck would stop somewhere. I just never knew it would stop here, you know? I guess I should've known better. But, I can't sit around all day throwing a pity-party for myself.

_You are the antidote that gets me by... something strong -- like a drug -- that gets me high…_

I can't really say why I did what I did. No… wait… that's a bold-faced lie: I did what I did because I was insecure. I did it because of my own goddamned stupidity. For every action there is a consequence. I guess… becoming enemies with the Teen Titans is not as big as a loss as it is losing you…

_What I really meant to say…_

Beast Boy… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… please disregard the tear stains on this paper. I couldn't help it. Since I've lost your trust, however, I guess it really doesn't matter. I didn't know how you and your friends could help me contain my powers. Slade played with my emotions: he knew my weakness and exploited it. But I can't place all the blame on him, even though he is a cunning, sly SOB.

_…is I'm sorry for the way I am…_

I only have myself. I let him take control. However, understanding the error of your ways doesn't necessarily make it better. Once the damage is done… that's it.

_I never meant to be so cold; never meant to be so cold…_

I can keep asking you and the others to forgive me until I turn blue in the face, but I know it's probably futile. But… please know this…

_What I really meant to say…_

If it ever comes to the point where I must face off with one of you… I want you to be the one on the other end of the battlefield…

_…is I'm sorry for the way I am…_

Beast Boy… I want you to kill me. I want you to punish me for my wrongdoings. I want you to take my life with your bare hands. I want to see the fury in your eyes; I want to hear you screaming every obscene word that you can think of… anything to remind me of what kind of creature I am.

_I never meant to be so cold; never meant to be so…_

You were the closest friend I ever had… and on that night, we almost made it to the next level… somewhere I've never been before. For a moment… I felt you loved me… and I loved you…

_Cold to you; I'm sorry about all the lies… maybe in a different light…_

But I threw it all away. As my uncle Wade would always say, I "really got my pecker in the pickle slicer this time." Too bad he's dead now… there was so much about where I came from that I wanted to tell you. Guess I won't now, huh?

_You could see me stand on my own again, cause now I can see…_

Doesn't matter – probably not that important, anyway. I wanted to ask you what kind of family did you come from? What were your parents like? How did you cope with who you are?

_You are the antidote that got me by… something strong -- like a drug -- that got me high…_

I met a man one day on my travels; trying to run away from myself… he said that he was a friend of Raven. He looked older but not too old… I'd say maybe in his mid thirties… he said that he was her "father" or something to that aspect… He told me all about the Teen Titans and showed me a picture of her when she was younger. I wish I could've remembered when I had the chance: he said that he wanted to see her someday.

_What I really meant to say…_

I don't know if he'll ever get to or not. Oh well… chalk up another one for me.

_…is I'm sorry for the way I am…_

If I had one wish, I would love to back to that night in the Ferris wheel… when we almost kissed…

_I never meant to be so cold; never meant to be so cold…_

That was the moment I had waited all my life for…

_What I really meant to say…_

If, by some miracle, if God'll make it happen, we become friends again and live through this… I would like to go back to that amusement park at night… alone, with you…

_…is I'm sorry for the way I am…_

To feel you against me… your arms around me… to listen to your heart beating…

_I never meant to be so cold; never meant to be so cold…_

I highly doubt even if that miracle _did_ occur I would ever be friends again with Raven. Knowing her, not even sacrificing myself would be enough probably… but some people are like that, and I don't blame her. After seeing the stunt I pulled, I wouldn't give a rat's ass if I won the Nobel Peace Prize for curing AIDS: once a cold-hearted bitch, always a cold-hearted bitch.

_…I never meant to be… so cold…_

I don't know what to say about the others, although chances are they'll be like Raven. There's no telling; I highly doubt that we'll ever be together again.

_I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep…_

I guess seeing me dead would be a great benefit for all. There was just so much I needed to say… but then again, there was so much that I wanted to hide…

_Locked inside of me so deep, it always seems to get to me…_

Beast Boy… promise me when you fight me, you'll show no remorse. No mercy.

_I never really wanted you to go; so many things I should've let known…_

I was reading the Bible: God said to show no mercy to wicket traitors. That was from Psalm chapter fifty-nine, verse five.

_I guess for me there's just no hope…_

Slade says that showing mercy is a sign of weakness. I don't want you to be weak when you destroy me. Because if you are, then Slade will destroy you, and I don't think I have the power to kill him myself.

_I never meant to be so cold…_

I hope you had a good time… the time that we spent together… I wish I could've taken my box with me. A Hallmark store doesn't even compare to the beauty and delicateness it portrays.

_What I really meant to say…_

I have an idea: when I'm dead, I want to be buried with it… if you don't mind, that is. I don't really deserve it, but I want to be left holding an item that brings me closer to you.

_…is I'm sorry for the way I am…_

If everyone spits on my grave – granted that I'm still in one piece to be buried – it'll be okay. Piss on it, too: I need it.

_I don't mean to be so cold; never meant to be so cold…_

Beast Boy… I'm sorry for every wrong thing I've done… I never meant to hurt you or the team…

_What I really meant to say…_

What I really meant to say…

_…is I'm sorry for the way I am…_

Is I'm sorry for the way I am…

_I don't mean to be so cold; never meant to be… so cold…_

I never meant to be so cold.

Beast Boy… I love you… always… and that's why I must die… because it was never meant to be, I guess…

I'm sorry… everyone… I'm sorry…

Love, always,

Terra

P.S. Please tell Raven about her father. He misses her dearly but I don't know if he'll ever come around to see her.

And when you finally kill me… please don't cry… it's for the better…


End file.
